Freedom Lawyers of America

To: The Lord God Almighty a.k.a. Ha'shem, Shadai, Elohim, etc.

From: The Jews: a.k.a. The Chosen people

Subject: Termination of Contract/Special Status (Chosen People)

As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for
renewal, and this memorandum is to advise you that after, yea, those
many millennia of consideration, we, the Jews (The Chosen People)
have decided that we really do not wish to renew.

We should point out immediately that there is nothing in writing,
and, contrary to popular beliefs, we (The Jews) have not really
benefited too much from this arrangement. If you go back to the early
years of our arrangement, it definitely started off on the wrong
footing.

Not only was Israel and Judea invaded almost every year, but we went
to enormous expense to erect not one but two Temples, and they were
both destroyed. All we have left is a pile of old stones called the
Western Wall (of course you know all this, but we feel it's a good
thing to account for all the reasons we wish to terminate the
contract).

After the Hittites, Assyrians, Goliaths, etc, not only were we beaten
up almost daily, but then we were sold off as slaves to Egypt of all
countries, and really lost a few hundred years of development.

Now we realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to send Moses
to lead us out of Egypt, and those poor Egyptian buggers were smitten
(smote?) with all those plagues, But, reflecting on those years, we
are at a loss to understand why it took almost forty years to make a
trip that El Al now does in 75 minutes. Also, while not appearing to
be ungrateful, for years a lot of people have asked why Moses led us
left instead of right at Sinai? If we had gone right, we would have
had the oil!

OK, so the oil was not part of the deal, but then the Romans came and
we really were up to our necks in dreck. While it's true that the
Romans did give us water fit to drink, aqueducts, and baths, it was
very disconcerting to walk down one of the vias, look up, and see one
of your friends or family nailed to a three-by-four looking for all
the world like a sign post.

Even one of our princes, Judah ben Hur got caught up with Roman stuff
and drove like a crazy man around the Coliseum. It's a funny thing
but many people swore that Ben Hur had an uncanny resemblance to
Moses...go figure.

Then, of all things, one of our rabbis (teachers) declared himself
"Son of You" (there was nothing said about this with Abe) and before
we knew what was what, a whole new religion sprang up.

To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all over the world two or
three times while this new religion really caught on! We were truly
sorry to hear that the Romans executed him like so many others, but,
... alas, (and this will make you laugh,) once again WE were blamed.

Now here's something we really don't understand. That rabbi, one of
ours and your own son, really came into his own. Millions of people
revered and worshipped his name and scriptures. .....and still killed
us by the millions. Claimed we drank the blood of new born infants,
and controlled the world banks (Oy! if only that were so.)

We could have bought them all off, and operated the worlds' media and
so on and so on. Are we beginning to make our point here? OK so let's
fast-forward a few hundred years to the Crusades. Hoo boy! Again we
were caught in the middle! They, the Lords and Knights, came from all
over Europe to smack the Arabs and open up the holy places, but
before we knew what hit us, they were killing us right, left, and
centre along with everyone else.

Every time a king or a pope was down in the opinion polls, they
called a crusade or holy war, and went on a killing rampage in our
land. Today it's called Jihad. OK, so you tested us a little there,
but then some bright cleric in Spain came up with the Inquisition. We
all thought it was a new game show, but once again we and, we must
admit, quite a few others were used as firewood for a whole new
street lighting arrangement in major Spanish cities.

All right, so that ended after about a hundred years or so...in the
great scheme of things not a long time. But every time we settled
down in one country or another..they kicked us out! So we wandered
around a few hundred years or so, but it never changed.

Finally we settled in a few countries but they insisted we all live
in ghettoes...no Westchesters of Moscow for us. There we are in the
ghettoes, when what do you know? The Russians come up with the
Pogroms. We all thought they made a spelling mistake and misspelled
programs, but we were dead wrong (no pun intended). Apparently, when
there was nothing else for them to do, killing the Jews (a.k.a. The
Chosen People, are you getting our drift?) was the in thing.

Now comes some really tough noogies. We were doing quite well, thank
you, in a small European country called Germany, when some house
painter wrote a book, said a few things that caught on and became
their leader....whoo boy what a bad day that was for us...you know...
your Chosen People. We don't really know where you were in the earth
years 1940 to 1945.

We know everyone needs a break now and then...even Lord God Almighty
needs some time off. But really...when we needed you most, you were
never around. You are probably aware of this, but if you have
forgotten, over six million of your Chosen people, along with quite a
few unchosen others were murdered.

They even made lamp shades out of our skins. Look, we don't want to
dwell on the past, but it gets worse! Here we are, it's 1948, and
millions of us are displaced yet again, when you really pull a fast
one. We finally get our own land back! Yes!!! After all these years,
you arrange for us to go back... then all the Arab countries
immediately declare war on us.

We have to tell you that sometimes your sense of humour really eludes
us. Ok, so we win all the wars, but it's now 2002 and nothing's
changed. We keep getting blown up, hijacked, and kidnapped. We have
no peace whatsoever.

Enough is enough. So, we hope that you understand that nothing's
forever (except you of course) and we respectfully would like to pull
out of our verbal agreement vis-a-vis being your chosen people. Look,
sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't.

Let's be friends over the next few eons and see what happens. How
about this? We're sure you recall that Abraham had a whole other
family from Ishmael (the ones who got the oil) How about making them
your chosen people for a few thousand years?

Respectfully yours,