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Thursday, August 07, 2003

fUNNY STUFF

And how about--"There are 3 tooooos in the English language--to, two, too. Hah, hah.

                    Only a Genius Can Learn English

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak
fluent English, you must be a genius!   This little treatise on the lovely
language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English
lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
             to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd,
or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - And why the heck doesn't   "Buick" rhyme with   "quick"?

posted by FLoA # 8/07/2003 05:46:49 PM

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