Freedom Lawyers of America

Subject: JUDAISM 101

> > > > As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on
> > > > which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews
> > > > observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on
> > > > the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are
> > > > ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many
feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
> > > >
> > > > Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days
> > > > (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole
day
> > > > off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are
> > > > more stressed out.
> > > >
> > > > The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
> > > >
> > > > Rosh Hashanah - Feast
> > > > Tzom Gedalia - Fast
> > > > Yom Kippur -- More fasting
> > > > Sukkot - Feast
> > > > Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
> > > > Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
> > > > Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip
on yourself. Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
> > > > Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
> > > > Tu B'Shevat - Feast
> > > > Fast of Esther - Fast
> > > > Purim -- Eat pastry
> > > > Passover -- Do not eat pastry
> > > > Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
> > > > 17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
> > > > Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or
blintzes)
> > > > Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center forEating Disorders
before
> > > > High Holidays arrive again
> > > >
> > > > There are many forms of Judaism:
> > > >
> > > > Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
> > > > Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
> > > > Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
> > > > Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to
breakfast.
Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and
Yom Kippur.
> > > >
> > > > You know you grew up Jewish when:
> > > >
> > > > You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her
face
> > > > that were always asymmetrical. You spent your entire childhood
> > > > thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".
> > > > You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot
wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a
> > > deli tray.
> > > > You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
> > > > You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like
year-old cranberry sauce.
> > > > You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
> > > > You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
> > > > You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them
correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
> > > > You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's
ancestor.
> > > > You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?
Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than
3 minutes.
> > > > You thought that speaking loud was normal.
> > > >
> > > > AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL. MAY YOU BE BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH AND
A
> > >
> > > > YEAR FULL OF GOOD TIMES.